Ahhh, the smell of charcoal grills wafting from the stadium parking lot, mixing with the scent of burnt hot dogs and the smoke coming from Mike Norvell’s hotseat. Listen closely and you’ll hear it: the crack of a beer can opening, the crunch of tortilla chips being crushed under a tailgater’s flip-flops and the faint sound of Taylor Swift warming up her vocal chords for the inevitable Travis Kelce breakup anthem.
At long last, football season is here again in full force with the Knights kicking off the Scott Frost Era Take 2 against Jacksonville State on Thursday night and then the mega season-openers pitting Florida State against Alabama on Saturday and Miami against Notre Dame on Sunday. Meanwhile, the Gators will open up against Long Island, which, unlike its iced tea, doesn’t come with much of a kick.
The first NFL Sunday is Sept. 7 with the Jacksonville Jaguars hosting the Carolina Panthers, the Miami Dolphins going to Indy and the Tampa Bay Bucs traveling to Atlanta.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, football season is back. And so is your Oracle of Oblong, the Sultan of Snap Counts, the proficient, profound, prophetic Professor Pigskin.
In what has become a longstanding annual tradition, it’s time once again for you to seek the sage advice of the wise and occasionally inebriated Professor Pigskin. Let’s open up the floor to the studio audience. Don’t be shy — unlike FSU’s offensive line, I can handle the pressure.
SA: Professor, with all due respect, you say you’re profound and prophetic, but didn’t you predict that UCF’s QB bust, K.J. Jefferson, would be a Heisman contender last year and the Jaguars would win the Super Bowl? How did that turn out? I think you’re a fraud.
PP: As Johnny Carson’s Carnac the Magnificent might say, “May your smart speaker only understand your commands when you’re not talking to it.”
SA: How do you think Scott Frost will do in his first year back at UCF?
PP: Frosty the Showman is back in Orlando, baby! The prodigal son returns, like Luke Skywalker, except instead of wielding a lightsaber, he’s holding an empty bag that’s supposed to contain NIL cash. Let’s not forget, there’s a reason Gus Malzahn bolted UCF so fast that he forgot to take his $12 million buyout with him. Put it this way: the Knights will be better than expected, but let’s set that expectation bar real low, as in “Anthony Richardson completion percentage” low. The Knights will go 6-6, which in Scott Frost lingo means: “Hey, that would have gotten me a contract extension at Nebraska.”
SA: Will this be the year Billy Napier proves the Florida Gators really have turned the corner?
PP: Yes. Absolutely. The Gators will turn the corner. Unfortunately, it’s the corner of “Frustration Avenue” and “Mediocrity Boulevard.” No, no, I’m kidding. This is the year Napier finally gets his swamp legs. If DJ Lagway stays healthy, the Gators will win 10 games, beat Georgia, make the College Football Playoff — and all of those fire-Napier critics will change their social media bios to say, “Day One Billy Guy.”
SA: Will FSU coach Mike Norvell prove that last year’s 2-10 record was a fluke?
PP: FSU has once again hit the transfer portal hard and has a completely overhauled roster. The fear is that the Seminoles are like that kid who brags about having a new pool, only it’s just one of those inflatable ones from Walmart. The ‘Noles will splash around and have fun against weaker competition but still aren’t ready to swim in the deep end. They will go 7-5, which is perfect for that Walmart pool — half full, half empty and definitely lukewarm.
SA: Is this the year the Miami Hurricanes finally win the ACC?
PP: Yes. Write it down. Chisel it into the stone tablets of Coral Gables: The U is back. Well, “back” in the sense that they’ll win the ACC, which is sort of like winning a karaoke contest at the Kirkman Road Applebee’s. Still, a trophy is a trophy. The Canes have talent, swagger and a schedule so soft it should come with a Tempur-Pedic label. The Canes will march into the College Football Playoff with a 12-1 record and more swagger than Pitbull wearing the turnover chain.
SA: Will the Miami Dolphins finally win a playoff game for the first time in 25 years?
PP: That’s like asking if Florida drivers will ever use their turn signals or if Tyreek Hill will ever be a good teammate. Ain’t gonna happen. Not this year. In fact, the Dolphins will go 7-10 and quirky coach Mike McDaniel will get fired and join a yoga cult.
SA: What will the Jacksonville Jaguars do under new coach Liam Coen?
PP: The Jags are young and hungry and coached by a guy who — unlike former coach Urban Meyer — actually knows the difference between an NFL facility and a college bar. The Jags will win the AFC South, Trevor Lawrence will finally become a star and Travis Hunter will become the best two-way player since newspaper reporter Clark Kent was pulling double duty as Superman.
SA: Can the Tampa Bay Bucs make a surprise run for the Super Bowl?
PP: Yes. In fact, I’m calling it now: the Bucs will beat the Kansas City Chiefs in the big game (again) and Taylor Swift will call off her engagement to Travis Kelce and start dating Bucs tight end Cade Otton.
SA: One last thing, Professor Piggy. Before you go, it’s become a tradition for you to give us your Rodney Dangerfield public-service announcement as you do every year before the season begins. Do you mind?
PP: Of course not! This is for all you fans out there who will be attending football games this fall. As you’re tailgating, don’t overindulge, don’t get too intoxicated, don’t drink and drive, and don’t be like Rodney Dangerfield, who, before he died, posed for the cover of the annual Orlando Sentinel football preview section in 2004.
“I drink way too much,” Rodney told us back then. “The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.”
Email me at mbianchi@orlandosentinel.com. Hit me up on social media @BianchiWrites and listen to my new radio show “Game On” every weekday from 3 to 6 p.m. on FM 96.9, AM 740 and 969TheGame.com/listen
