Determined to fully experience his first trip to the beach, Oklahoman Clyde Hicks wiggled his toes in the ocean, closed his eyes and drank in the symphony of seagull cries, the gentle lapping of waves, the palm trees rippling in the breeze and the sharp splash of a hammerhead shark erupting from the shallow water, seizing his arm and dragging him away.

This sentence I wrote a couple of weeks ago, designed to be the first in the worst possible novel, will never be submitted to the internationally renowned Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. After decades of inspiring and recognizing great writers of bad sentences from around the world, San Jose State University announced this year that the contest had run its course.

“It is with deep regrets that I announce the conclusion of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest,” founder Scott Rice explained at the great Bulwer-Lytton.com website, which he said will be maintained for posterity. “Being a year and a half older than Joseph Biden, I find the BLFC becoming increasingly burdensome and would like to put myself out to pasture while I still have some vim and vigor.

“When I initiated the competition in 1983, inviting entrants to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels, I never dreamed that we would receive thousands of entrants from all over the U.S. and the globe, or that the contest would survive for over four decades … It’s been 42 good years but, alas, all good things must come to an end.”

This was devastating news for all of us who have entered and, in some cases, won recognition in this great contest, which honors the memory of Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton and this immortal opening sentence of his novel “Paul Clifford”: “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

As its notoriety spread, the contest resulted in several published compilations of winners –- and my shameless attempt to replicate the contest with a local competition that now is in its 14th year. Bad writers from our area have been recognized many times in the real Bulwer-Lytton competition, and it’s fun to give them a chance to show off for our Lehigh Valley audience.

As it happens, our contest has drawn entries from writers outside the area, most spectacularly our winner last year, Andrew Lundberg of Los Angeles, who routinely placed multiple entries in the real contest. Here was his punny winner for us:

“I know my way around dames and thought I had a line on this one, but when the fetching number nursing a vodka and soda at the next stool over in Curly’s, a solid workingman’s bar in downtown Pittsburgh, asked me if I knew that anthracite had a crush pressure more than twice that of bituminous, I realized that she was interested only in the coal hard facts.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if I get entries from more people outside the area, since they no longer have another outlet for their efforts. One guy wrote to me this summer from Albuquerque, lamenting the loss of the real contest and inquiring:

“To cement this prospective triumph in English prose, I hope there is a suitable contest, where excellence is the mark of shame, that I may humbly enter.  Perhaps it is Bill White’s Bad Writing Contest.  If so, how might I enter?  What is the timeframe?  Are multiple entries allowed?”

Here we are. I often call our competition a bad writing contest, but it actually takes a great writer to craft a winning sentence. And it’s not about writing an incredibly long, convoluted sentence. When I’m judging our entries, I’m more likely to zero in on those with creative subject matter, unusual imagery and some kind of humorous twist. Some of my favorites have been very short.

To enter, just email me your sentences over the next several weeks. You may enter as often as you like — Lundberg sent me 109 sentences last year, admittedly a bit excessive — but remember that entries must be one sentence, not a whole paragraph.

I’ll offer reminders and do at least one more Bulwer-Lytton column before I cut it off and we begin judging.

Lest this is new to you, here is another example, the late Scott Witmer’s Dishonorable Mention-winning entry in the real 2019 contest. Allentonian Witmer was one of several of our local contest’s past champions whom we have lost, and I still miss his great contributions.

“The fun had seemed innocent at first — simple handstands and easy dismounts, but as the hours passed the routines became more intricate and aggressive with cartwheels and round-offs, competitive and risky with back walkovers and flipping twists, until the twins’ mother ordered them to stop the nonsense and return Grandpa’s walker so he finally could get to the dinner table.

Can you follow in the footsteps of international giants? I await your efforts.

This is a contributed opinion column. Bill White can be reached at whitebil1974@gmail.com. The views expressed in this piece are those of its individual author(s), and should not be interpreted as reflecting the views of this publication. For more details on commentaries, read our guide to guest opinions at themorningcall.com/opinions.

https://www.mcall.com/2025/10/11/bill-white-writing-contest/