Why do we think rich people are smart people? They could be lucky people. Or married-well people. Or maybe, like Exploding Car Guy, they are just a wizard with words.
“Your cars are exploding!” the crowds said.
“Mars!” said Elon Musk. And they cheered.
“No one’s buying Teslas,” shareholders wept.
“Moon cities!” said Elon. And they celebrated.
Which brings us to the unlikely intersection of a shadeless strip of Las Vegas and dreams of homeless Teslas replacing Universal Orlando’s Hogwarts Express. An Orange County Community Development District fell under the spell of Exploding Car Guy’s dirt-digging business. It’s hiring The Boring Company to build underground tunnels linking Universal’s parks.
Pat Beall is an editorial writer and columnist for the Sun Sentinel, focusing mainly on Palm Beach County issues.
Elon tried to be honest about Boring from Day One. “We have no idea what we’re doing,” he said.
Genius! cities cried. Where do we sign?
No one was concerned when Boring started selling non-digging $500 Boring-branded flamethrowers. They were more like aggressive cigarette lighters than doomsday accessories, but I imagine parents of teenage boys still complained.
“Fire extinguishers!” responded Elon, and so Boring sold those, too.
To his credit, Elon didn’t stop waving red flags. Boring named its first tunneling machine Godot, after a play in which Godot never arrives. It named its current machine Prufrock, after a poem in which Prufrock bemoans his many failures.
Alas. Entire cities must have dozed off during English Lit. Ballyhooed projects fell apart in Chicago. Baltimore. San Jose. Los Angeles. San Bernadino. San Antonio. In 2021, Fort Lauderdale took the bait. It backed off. The city was still thinking about hiring Boring in 2025. “This new commission is much more pro-tunnel,” explained commissioner Steve Glassman last year. Now it’s dead again. Never mind.
“A.I. in space!” said Elon of Boring’s string of oopsies.
“Central Florida doesn’t have basements because it is well-curated swamp!” yelled not nearly enough people in Orange County.
“Grow air gills and homestead on Mars!” said Elon.
He meant to say just look at what Boring has done for Las Vegas.
But maybe don’t look too closely. Plans for a sprawling Vegas tunnel system eventually call for 68-ish miles of underground glory, with Boring’s pledge to someday, probably, move 90,000 passengers an hour.
Boring started shoveling in 2019. It’s up to 8 miles. Only 60 to go. Riders load up in driver-operated Teslas and they’re off, at a raging 35 miles per hour; one lane, one way, one Tesla at a time. And truly, this next bit is key to the success of Boring’s Vegas tunnel: It’s not always a tunnel. Sometimes the Vegas tunnel uses Vegas roads. Sometimes passengers are disgorged onto melting pavement to await their next Tunnel Tesla in the desert city’s 100-degree heat. A transportation YouTuber found a lucky few sheltering in nearby shade. It is provided by city monorails whizzing above their heads.
Perhaps the Orange County folks were dazzled by the Vegas Loop’s blue and green and red tunnel lights. They certainly weren’t looking at complaints of workers wading through contaminated water, or chemical burns or nearly 800 environmental violations.
That stayed in Vegas.
Of course, not everyone’s a critic. Any Tesla in a tunnel is a victory for Elon, now that his company has just chalked up its first ever annual sales drop. Tesla is pivoting to robots. All those unloved cars have to go somewhere. So that’s a win. Also, the tunnel is apparently catnip to curious skateboarders. Now, skateboarders average 12 miles per hour, some even faster, and if you put five in a row? Voila! Almost a Tesla, less risk of spontaneous combustion. And Boring would be that much closer to its 90,000-rider pinkie-swear.
“Space catapults!” said Elon.
Silly Elon. Everyone knows you don’t need space catapults when you have spare Teslas laying around. Drive ’em to Kennedy Space Center. Stack ’em on a launch pad. Stick a SpaceX on top. Wait for their tricksy batteries to do their thing. And watch SpaceX lift off to meet its maker, as Elon waits, already in orbit around his own head.
Pat Beall is a Sun Sentinel columnist and editorial writer.
