We are at war on so many fronts right now — and that’s before we get up from the dining room table.
The president’s brightest health stars waddled out in tandem to a press conference the other day to announce that once again, Trump and Co. know just what the doctor ordered. Once again, doctors everywhere braced for impact.
Big Quack has turned the trusty old food pyramid upside down.
We are fighting back in the war on protein! said RFK Jr.
Pat Beall is an editorial writer and columnist for the Sun Sentinel, focusing mainly on Palm Beach County issues.
We are gaining ground on alcohol consumption! said Mehmet Oz, administrator for the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services.
End the assaults on saturated fat! said RFK Jr., whose battle-plan explanation was cut short by a phone call.
His ring tone is a duck.
There was stiff competition this month for best political performance in the “They’re-trying-way-too-hard-to-kill-us” contest. Flu is raging throughout the country, but Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo’s Department of Health dragged its feet on reporting the number of cases here. Very wise: What you don’t know won’t hurt him.
He did recommend tall cool glasses of structured water which would be helpful if, you know, structured water actually existed as such.
Or maybe you thought the trophy should go to the EPA, which will no longer consider the cost to human lives when making pollution regulations. It will instead focus on the cost to businesses. Not a single briefcase will be harmed in the construction of that coal-fired power plant on your back lawn.
Strong contenders. But I vote for the food foul-ups.
“You don’t have to try every cookie on the cookie table!” Oz said over the holidays, drawing upon his vast experience hawking green coffee extract as (I quote here) “a magic weight-loss cure.” He later suggested to a congressional subcommittee it was more of a magical special suggestion than actual magic. Okey dokey, said Congress, putting him in charge of Medicare.
Now, Oz has moved on from anti-Macaron to pro-Pabst. Addressing the new loosey-goosey booze guidelines, he called alcohol “a social lubricant that brings people together,” as opposed to, say, wedding receptions, trivia night, No Kings rallies and the streets of Minneapolis.
Perhaps briefly flashing back to his medical degree, Oz remembered to add, “Don’t have it for breakfast.”
Exactly! Breakfast is now for sugared lard and maybe a side of RFK-approved protein-rich bear! Rendered critter fat is back. Rejoice, meaty little heart cells. Buy a yacht, cardiologists of America.
Along with full-fat milk, protein has apparently been under attack. The only things that the put-upon peptides have been able to muster in their defense are Nature Valley Protein, Cheerios Protein and Ghost Protein cereals; ice cream protein (pairs well with protein cookies); Oscar Mayer cold cuts protein; protein powders with lead (October); protein powders with somewhat less lead (This month); beef stick protein; protein pasta, protein pancakes and Khloe Kardashian protein popcorn that is tragically, and yet inevitably, named Khloud.
Which brings us to the nutritional value of Greenland.
The appetites of American presidents are fearful to behold. Trump wants to add a second story to the White House, feasting on its transformation from hallowed hall to cut-rate wedding cake. He’s outfitting the Army with mukluks for that tasty island morsel to the northeast. And who will tell him: No Greenland dessert for you, Mr. President, until you finish your Venezuela.
So, the lumbering maw that is our leader is likely to gobble it up. The rest of us will have to make do with six-packs, cookie crumbs and heartburn. As for beefing up our diets, if RFK Jr. wants to repeat his Central Park dead bear antics and wrestle some Greenland Polar Bear peptides into his car trunk, I will happily buy a ringside ticket. I’ll even share my Khloud.
Pat Beall is a Sun Sentinel columnist and editorial writer.
https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2026/01/18/feasting-on-rfks-food-quackery-pat-beall/
