I bet you have your own special name for Donald Trump.

I know I do!

Special Name Guy would be the first to admonish me for that. He knows that what you call people, places and things matters. It matters even more if you secretly suspect you are going to be impeached, forced to flee the country on a half-refurbished Qatari jet and spend your remaining days pacing the halls of a frostbitten Siberian dacha. (We should all be so lucky.)

Pat Beall is an editorial writer and columnist for the Sun Sentinel, focusing mainly on Palm Beach County issues.

This may explain why Mr. T is furiously splattering his name on everything that stands still long enough for the glue to set. Ballrooms. Airports. Sleeping cats.

We all just want to be remembered.

This rush to label, though, coincides with an emerging variation of the ETTD slogan, Everything Trump Touches Dies. Turns out ETNDT: Everything Trump Names Dies Too.

There’s a long list, from the now-shuttered Kennedy Not the Trump Performing Arts Center to a local high-rise where they couldn’t rip Trump’s name off fast enough to Trump Golden Ale, all too predictably renamed “Chinga Tu Pelo“: Literally, “F*** Your Hair” Beer.

Valuable lessons, all lost on our state lawmakers.

State Senate Bill 706 would rename Palm Beach International Airport the President Donald J. Trump International Airport. It would ban changing the name, ever, to something more politically palatable, like Joe’s House of Jets. Or Palm Beach International Airport.

Already, a strip of airport-adjacent roadway has been renamed President Donald J. Trump Boulevard. This enables the prez to swan the 5.9 miles of (Trump) roadway from Air Force One (Trump) touchdown to Mar-A-Lago (Trump) without once forgetting who he is.

As your resident Palm Beach County Trump Tour Guide, would you like me to tell you how that bit is going? It is going small. Very small. You will miss the gameboard-sized roadside sign if you blink. Or even if you don’t, because your eyes will be wrenched skyward to a massive billboard screaming that Donald Trump has fixed health care. Exclamation point.

Not everyone’s a name-game pushover: Slap my name on New York’s Penn Station and Washington Dulles International Airport, Trump winked at New York Democratic Sen. Chuck Schumer, and billions of dollars for digging that New York tunnel you want is in the bag.

Schumer, apparently, would rather buy a shovel.

Why stop at airports? Why stop at roads? Why not condo clubhouses? Or a bagel shop? Why not loose change?

Why not, indeed.

A proposed one-dollar coin to celebrate what might be left of this nation by July 4 would feature a Trump image on both sides. Heads we lose. Tails, same. This is illegal, which is to say Attorney General Pam Bondi has hugged it, blessed it and bought it a puppy. She should not! America wisely barred pictures of live people on the residue of dead trees in 1886, after Spencer M. Clark, big partier and first superintendent of the U.S. Bureau of Engraving, engraved his own fancy face on U.S. currency.

Clark was also at the center of a scurrilous sex ring, but the files remained secret until leaked to newspapers, and even then, the federal government refused to offer up any criminal consequences. So, yes, we are still talking about Pam Bondi.

I tremble for the U.S. monetary system if a Trump-named dollar comes to pass. Look at Trumpflation! Look at how Taco Tuesday is circling the drain because the tariffs of President TrumpAlwaysChickensOut have usurped every other day of the week. Consider the fate of the $TRUMP meme coin, currently trading below its high of $39 and its low of somewhere south of the Ninth Circle of Hell. Look at what happened to Melania: The Movie, even without Donald Trump: The Epstein Escape Artist elbowing her out on the marquee. True, the Trump name could be found in the fine print of closing credits. But only the seats were watching by the time those final credits rolled, so we will never know.

Better luck with the clubhouse.

Pat Beall is a Sun Sentinel columnist and editorial writer. Contact her at beall.news@gmail.com.

https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2026/02/15/the-trump-states-of-america-pat-beall/