It’s not widely known, but I speak fluent Gaslight. The political subdialect is especially handy these days, when words not only don’t match actions, they don’t even match words.
Allow me to translate!
Pat Beall is an editorial writer and columnist for the Sun Sentinel, focusing mainly on Palm Beach County issues.
RFK Jr.: “I’m looking at kids as I walk through the airports … and I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, with inflammation. You can tell from their faces, from their body movements and from their lack of social connection.”
Translation: “I like big words. CDC scientists throwing bigger words at me are just jealous and also unemployed. I don’t need silly microscopes to see mitochondria, even though they are smaller than the average brain cell, of which I have two; one currently busy giving artificial respiration to the other. This is why I have not finished A Dummy’s Guide to Mitochondria, which suggests children’s weird airport walking may merely be defensive swerving to avoid the staring pseudoscientists. Wrong! Just look at the inflamed faces exiting TSA lines! And notice how they are not making social connections with the guy passing a beeping wand over their belt buckle? This is proof. This is mitochondria. Mostly, this is my big word of the week.”
Department of Homeland Security attorneys (on DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s previous pledge of federal money to run Alligator Alcatraz): “No final federal funding decisions have been made.”
Translation: “The Florida Division of Emergency Management is expected to lose most of the $218 million your governor hastily spent based on ICE Barbie’s air-promises, but don’t blame us. All we guaranteed was a photo op.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis: Silence.
Translation: “Helluva photo op.”
Florida Chief Financial Officer Blaise Ingoglia on why his Doge-dogies demanded information on Palm Beach County speed bumps. (paraphrasing): “I don’t know.”
Translation: “I really don’t. On the other hand, you don’t know the ‘eye-popping’ problems I said the dogies dug up because I don’t have to tell you or tell you why I’m not telling you and you can’t make me tell you because you are merely citizens and I have a lectern. Anyway, I got a press conference out of it. And a photo op.”
U.S. Rep. Anna Paulina Luna: “I think (Melania) will be a key reason why we are able to broker peace with Ukraine.”
Translation: “I borrowed RFK Jr.’s other brain cell.”
Back to Kristi Noem: “LA wouldn’t be standing today if President Trump hadn’t taken action then. That city would have burned down.”
Translation: “People, how many Home Depot invasions will it take to get you to stop looking into shenanigans by my absolutely not-boyfriend Corey Lewandowski, who is absolutely not my chief of staff? He can never be my chief of staff, because the White House — despite a certain tolerance for these things — reportedly put the kibosh on the idea due to those many, many rumors of our extramarital affairs. Which never happened. I can peel off the Superglue holding Corey to my side since 2023 anytime I want to. Which I don’t.”
Donald J. Trump, on Truth Social: “NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE.”
Translation: “Pay no attention to the hand bruises behind the curtain. Never mind the bobbing chin naps or that to prove my health I posted a week-old photo or that JD Vance is chirpily speculating about my death. Forget that the press is being kept at arm’s length, but know that they would have nothing to write even if they were standing close enough to take a few ankle glamour shots because there is nothing to see here folks, nothing at all.”
So now you know. Isn’t enlightenment great? It does generate a mighty headache, but nothing that can’t be remedied by two aspirin and a chin nap.
Pat Beall is a Sun Sentinel columnist and editorial writer.
https://www.orlandosentinel.com/2025/09/04/what-they-say-and-what-they-mean-pat-beall/
