A president, a bottle of Tylenol and a late-night talk show host walk into a bar.
That’s it.
That’s the joke.
I’m not very good at jokes, as certain of you gently remind me from time to time. It’s why I cannot lay claim to being among those sharp wits who drive a frustrated president into apoplectic Truth Social posts.
Pat Beall is an editorial writer and columnist for the Sun Sentinel, focusing mainly on Palm Beach County issues.
Comedy is the cruelest cut. It’s not so much announcing that the emperor has no clothes as it is pantsing the big guy and throwing his sneakers over a utility wire minutes before the Pompous Parade.
In that spirit, let us now make fun of the people who say we cannot make fun of people who frequently make fun of other people and also who do things so sky-high harebrained that they cartoon themselves, all by themselves. No comedians required.
I am speaking, of course, of White House Border Czar and all-around bon vivant Tom Homan. What a laugh riot. What a jokester. We have the ebullient Mr. Homan to thank for this classic: An undercover FBI agent, a blue bag and $50,000 walk out of a Cava and straight into an FBI file.
Homan allegedly accepted the cash in exchange for immigrant roundup contracts once Trump took office. The Trump administration took one look at the FBI’s evidence and buried it as deep as anything can be buried, which is to say right next to the Epstein files.
I do have misgivings about the sting. Girth is the giveaway. To be clear, I am not body shaming here. I am body ‘splaining. Homan is accused of accepting cash in a Cava bag, a health-conscious choice. Does he look like a Mediterranean fast-casual-dining grain bowl kind of guy to you? No! He is an entire cow on a bun kind of guy! As a Texas girl, I approve. As a former investigative reporter, a veggie bag in his hands smacks of make-believe.
Of course, journalistically speaking, I am no Bari Weiss. Weiss’ extensive journalistic experience — highlighted by whining about being unloved as a New York Times columnist — has morphed into an increasingly likely major role at CBS News under its new Trump-friendly overlords. Feel free to laugh until you cry. (A personal note: I used to whine endlessly about how to run the Wall Street Journal, and all I got was a desk in a dark corner and limited access to newsroom donuts. So no, life is not fair.)
How would a Weiss-influenced CBS handle an interview with Homan? If Homan sidesteps whether he took the cash — as he did on Fox News — would a new and unimproved CBS cut to a commercial? Shave “60 Minutes” to “60 Seconds” just for good measure?
How would it reconcile the White House’s comments? “Mr. Homan never took the $50,000,” press secretary Karoline Leavitt said, which feels fuzzy-fib-adjacent given Homan’s own artful sidestepping on the question. Or maybe someone didn’t know. Or maybe someone was just kidding. (A press secretary, a grain bowl and the Ninth of 10 Commandments walk into a bar. Release the Homan files and undercover videos, said the Ninth. Too funny, chortled the press secretary.)
That is unfair of me. Ms. Leavitt does not have a chortle to her name. Consider her serious-as-a-heart-attack response after a United Nations escalator stopped with the president still on it. “If we find that these were UN and staffers who were purposefully trying to trip up, literally trip up the president … there better be accountability for those people. And I will personally see to it.”
No chortle there.
Or here, though I tried: An ABC News exec, the United Nations elevator police and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar. What’ll it be, barks the orange-tinted barkeep. “Whatever you’re having,” say two of the three. Not Kimmel. Turns out he isn’t their kind of thirsty.
Besides, he was running late for work.
Pat Beall is a Sun Sentinel columnist and editorial writer. Contact her at beall.news@gmail.com.
