So often, I receive feedback on my monthly parenting column. From community members to patients and church members, I’m constantly told how much people enjoy my articles. Many times, the feedback comes from parents of older kids or grandparents who say they “wish my parenting column was around when they were rearing their own children.” Readers also tell me they share my articles with their adult children who are now on parenting journeys of their own.
Over the past few years since I’ve been contributing to The Virginia Gazette, I’ve received many reactions to my articles, but I’ve never once had someone ask me to write about a certain parenting topic. That changed recently when my husband was giving a flu shot at one of our community vaccine clinics. A woman began telling him how much she enjoyed reading my perspective on various parenting topics but wished I’d write about parents shedding their helicopter parenting habits.
She went on to say she wanted to take her teenage granddaughter on a trip to see a big city, but her kids immediately shot down the idea, saying they didn’t feel comfortable and weren’t sure if it would be safe. My husband didn’t hesitate to let me know she had requested I cover this topic in my next article.
My immediate reaction was to laugh out loud. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m the pure definition of a helicopter mom, unapologetically and without shame. So, I found it funny that I, of all people, was being asked to talk about not being a helicopter parent. However, I love a challenge and was tickled by the idea of someone giving me a topic to write about, and the more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became.
As I pondered her request further, it caused me to dig deep and reflect on some of my own actions and behaviors when it comes to my kids. As a #boymom, I’m incredibly overprotective and, at times, probably even to the point of being a bit cliché, a classic mama bear. Knowing how hateful this world can be, I’m even more protective over my young Black men. To my own detriment, I often see threat and danger in every circumstance. Add in my Type A personality, my terrible case of OCD and my habit of micromanaging situations, and I’ve got a real recipe for disaster.
But when I was asked to address the need for these “new-aged” parents to stop circling their kids, I had to realize that I’m honestly one of the worst offenders. After all, kids used to walk to school, go to the corner store and stay out all day unsupervised until the lights came on during the summer without cell phones or tracking apps. That thought alone gives me heart palpitations. However, when I reflect on the fact that I used to be one of those kids, and that here I am writing this article, I must acknowledge that I turned out okay. And not only did I turn out okay, but so did my parents and grandparents.
The more I thought about being tasked with discussing this topic, the more food for thought I found myself chewing on. So how can we as parents create boundaries and expectations without hovering or smothering our children, while still letting them learn some lessons on their own? The real answer is, I’m still figuring it out myself, but some things that immediately come to mind are: set the foundation, then trust the process; show and prove; and always keep the lines of communication open.
Many of us have probably heard the saying, “All we can do is the best that we can do.” This rings true whether we are competing in a sporting event, going for a promotion or raising our children. We are parents, not perfect. We are people with real feelings and shortcomings who want what’s best for our children.
We can do our best to instill values, build a strong foundation and be as involved and present as possible, and we should do all these things. Something I always remind my boys of is that I can give them the tools to build a successful life for themselves, but I can’t use the tools for them. Encourage your kids to be honest, exhibit integrity, instill faith and spirituality, and develop a lifelong love of learning. Teach them to be gracious and treat others how they want to be treated. Set good examples for them by not just talking the talk but walking the walk. Giving our kids a strong foundation is half the battle.
Next, we must “show and prove.” What do I mean by that, you may ask? I mean we must do all the things I just mentioned and then give our kids the opportunity to show us that they are capable and that we can trust them. Now, our kids will not be perfect, and they will eventually make some foolish decisions, just as we have. Regardless, if we’ve given them a strong foundation, then when temptation comes knocking and they could go completely off the deep end, chances are they will remember something we’ve told them, a lesson we’ve taught them, or simply reflect on the fact that we love them unconditionally. Those things alone may deter them from making the kind of poor decisions they can’t rebound from. However, for us to find out whether we are doing okay at this parenting thing, we must be willing to give our kids the space to learn a few lessons and make some mistakes along the way.
Recently, my older son attended his very first middle school dance. As an active member of the PTSA and part of the decorating committee, I fully intended to chaperone the event to keep a watchful eye. In fact, my mother is worse than me and planned to go with me. Instead, I decided to let him go solo. We never talked about it, and he didn’t ask me not to come. I just decided that he had transitioned so well to middle school already, much quicker than I anticipated, and he’s been responsible thus far and has done a phenomenal job keeping up with his schoolwork. All his teachers seem to be very fond of him, and he’s a good kid. Because of these reasons, I decided to give him a bit of a longer leash than I typically would.
But if I’m honest, I’ve also begun to realize that he’s really growing up. I can’t control his every move or dictate his decisions for him for the rest of his life. At some point, we as parents must accept that our children eventually grow up and become self-sufficient, either with our help or without it. So instead of hindering them or holding them back, why not do everything we can to assist them in this process? This looks like giving them a little bit more freedom and seeing how they handle it within age-appropriate circumstances, of course.
Lastly, we must keep the lines of communication wide open. No matter how old our kids get, they will still need us, just in a different way. They will look to us for advice, guidance and assurance from time to time. If we continue to foster connection with our kids from a young age, they will likely turn to us first when they have their first heartbreak, fender-bender or decide they want to make a career change. In these moments, we can be reminded that we’ve done our parts, not by smothering them, but by raising them to be self-reliant young adults.
At the end of the day, time flies, things change and we have very little control over the grand scheme of things. We can worry and fret all we want, but it won’t change the outcome of any circumstance. The goal is to lean on Proverbs 22:6 and remember that once we’ve sown the seeds of responsibility, accountability, integrity and good decision-making, we will see those same qualities sprout up in our kids and can find comfort in seeing them grow and mature into the young people that we’ve raised them to be. Of course, we must remain prayerful, watchful, and set necessary boundaries to keep them safe, but ultimately, we must stop hovering and accept that our role is to guide them through, not hide them from the world.
That said, I’m thankful for this topic recommendation. What started as a funny challenge turned into worthwhile advice that I could stand to follow myself. I also genuinely enjoyed hearing feedback from my readers in this way. So, if there’s a parenting topic, you’d like to see me address, please reach out and let me know.
Dr. Jade L. Ranger is a pharmacist at The Prescription Shoppe, a full-service pharmacy she owns with her husband. She is mom to two boys, ages 12 and 8 years old, and author of “Mustard Seed Mentality,” available at Amazon.com.
